Chatting/beef jerky/witnessing car accident Day 93
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this is my story and welcome to it okay
back at it again
don't think I ever not drive anymore no
actually I don't mind driving I love
driving it's I I seriously don't have a
problem with it
I just think more or less it's my kids
get tired of it like okay we're done but
anyways so we're heading it to go pick
up Jeremiah from school and then from
there
we will meet only at the the lot and
part of the yard sorry pick him up and
then we'll we're gonna go to Safeway we
have to get salad stuff for me since
last night I decided to walk up get it
for more which is fine
I like Safeways brand better so that's
good I'm eating me of beef jerky our
stick
for my lunch because it's 3 o'clock I do
not need anything since breakfast
[Music]
my baby
come on stick but
I can't hear you honey take yours out
and speak up
you wanna sing
anyways and both of the kids I think
I've overdone the pool
any mints
because
that's right for the first time since
she was a newborn cat runs
yeah so I
they have to take a break from the men
quite clearly
they need a break
yes sir good that's all more please
thank you baby
Omar what do you say
ah
say Thank You Ezra
no asteroid hold on Omar say thank you
sissy that's right you say you're
welcome good job
Satrangi chicken
I'm
back to the sounding I just really like
the solids from Walmart they don't taste
good I mean it's how they don't taste
good but Safeway has like more cabbage
and like thicker cabbage chunks in it
and it's a purple cabbage which is
really good
we're going to go to Safeway and grab
that one our way home
but what Holies gonna have for dinner
but that's what I'm gonna have a salad
and pray that this week I lose weight
because
I don't fill it like I really don't feel
but every time I say that then I live so
I guess I'm not much of a good indicator
if I'm gonna lose her hop but
I mean I have walked quite a bit this
week
oh god now
three times as we can walk
I know yesterday I walked for four hours
day before that I walked for now
no I didn't walk the day before the
happy doesn't remember I was in the art
I believe
[Music]
five hours for four hours yesterday
two and a half hours not
Dollar Tree an hour and a half dark
yesterday
our last night
that's all did
and I'm not swearing home
in fact I noticed today and yesterday
when I was going up the stairs to get
into my house
my name was not her to me I don't
so I'm hoping
my hope is
ah
me doing physical therapies how come you
got
[Music]
where's your water company
taking you Oh Marty let her have a drink
here water for right now until I pick up
on my Mentos until I pick up my let her
have a drink please thank you
anyways
so
good jobs brother you're so awesome
so
anyways
[Music]
they're going with us
oh that I'm hoping that but I'm starting
to do the physical therapy though that I
don't set back myself on my knee because
I really have a if it starts to hurt
doing the physical therapy then I'm just
couple back and continue to do what I'm
doing because my knees has not been
hurting that way it would be nice
anyways I think I'm gonna show you guys
a little bit where I'm driving
okay I don't know where I hear sirens
freaky
where I'm driving
that's a firetruck you guys but it's a
white fighter traffic never seen
actually oh my fire truck
but here's one today
ever seen I don't see an accident or
anything but that scared me it was
coming up and appeared anyways so
I just wanna go to show you guys it's
kind of bought me I'm sorry I know
a little and wait
speaking sure that no nothing up here
[Music]
anyways I thought I want to show you
guys kind of what it's like around you
know where I'm driving
the trumpet removing
accidents
higher
you guys look up
right there looks like maybe not
you guys see the smoke no that's where
it's a turn-on
okay hold on you guys I have to pull
over because there's a cop coming up
behind me
yeah
what is going on in
or why is going over this is like crazy
Wow it's a car on fire okay I have to
drive very slow you guys
you
I hope everybody's okay and then
accident my gosh but that cop scared me
the way he flipped around was I totally
I just hope everybody's okay it doesn't
look like there was anybody inside the
car so
that's the case
anyways
an excitement in there with us
anyways so
back to what we were talking about until
I was rudely interrupted is I wanted to
I think what I'm really torn because see
here's the thing I I was talking
yesterday about getting on like
some type of gym regimen which may still
intubating on
I'm still thinking about it but I just
don't know I don't know if I want to do
the gym or if I just want to talk to
Holly and be like hey you know three
times a week I need to go to a store and
walk around but see the problem is is
that holy crap are you gonna stay in
your lane oh my god I didn't really need
to get off the street
y'all are seeing the excitement today
yeah there was a car up fire
yeah
oh the cop didn't hit the guy honey I
think they got somebody got a car
accident
he and I you guys are all excited about
that yeah it's okay it's okay everybody
I think we'll be okay yeah sure scary
though anyways what I was seeing was I
thought about instead of you know going
in getting the membership right now
because clearly you know we have to just
kind of work with what we have
you know timewise I'm thinking I'm
talking into only and being like okay
how about if I go you know three times a
week and go walk the store for an hour
and a half everything
like three times a week I don't know if
I'm going to or not just yet
it really feels good to get out and walk
but the problem with it is when I go to
the store I tend to spend money like
that's just something that I do and I
don't want I really need to get out of
this habit of spinning spinning spinning
because I feel like it you know it could
become an issue because I constantly
spending money and so for me I think it
would almost be like a setup
because I'll see something for a couple
dogs about oh okay well I can pick up
this oh okay
well if you do that you know just say
three times you know do a three with
three items three times a week and just
say two dollars each item you know pull
there I'm paying for my gym membership
so you know it's kind of like is that
you know is that a good setup for me or
should I go to the mall and like walk
the mall because really there's nothing
in the mall for me to buy but at least
it's me walking so he did think about
that but then I've then I kind of had in
my mind well the problem with that is
how far can I make it in the mall
so I don't know I'm just really torn
about what I want to do here but I you
know as I talk to you guys about it I
definitely think you know like what you
know what would work well okay so I just
brainstormed maybe walking the mall the
malls much closer to my house I would be
not so tempted to buy something because
there's nothing for me to buy there they
do have a tour it but anything inside
the store that would not fit me in this
sense because if I'm pretty sure tour it
does not they do not carry size six or
five in the store I think that they cha
they carry size zero two three maybe
four yeah I think tough for but I could
be completely wrong
I really completely you know I'm not I
should I'm gonna take that back I don't
know but I don't think that I would be
so tempted to buy stuff from there all
the time
just because
I don't towards not one that I would
constantly go into but if I walked the
whole top of the mall and I walked it
like three or four times and then I
walked out I'm gonna get exercise and
even if I did that every single day well
I mean what's it hurting I'm getting
exercise it's inside the store they're
open a good and you know they're I think
they're open until like a I want to say
which I mean eight would be clearly too
late for me to go because that's we're
getting everybody ready for bed and
stuff like that but if I figured it out
to where we can get it to work out in my
time the mall I think is going to be
probably my better baggies then even
going to like Walmart just so say
because Walmart you dink around so
you're not getting that good workout
I have not walked the inside of the mall
in
I couldn't even tell you how long for
the longest time when I was pregnant
with Omar I could not walk inside the
mall on the top floor which is Kohl's oh
I couldn't because for some reason I got
very motion sickness when I was pregnant
with him and walking on the top of like
the upstairs part of Kohl's oh my god oh
that was exciting I had to stop and know
the road because I've always had to fly
off the stupid phone Stan oh the look of
me anyways we're just gonna show you
guys a little bit more around my
neighborhood but anyways what I was
saying was that
and I remember what I was saying I had
to literally like slam Howie brings my
phone got stuck under my pedal
what was his money in the house goodness
you guys are probably screaming about me
right now I can't remember Oh talking
about coals so when I was pregnant with
Omar I could not like the vibration of
the ground oh if anything made me sick
it was that and I'll never forget one
day we went into Cole's to go and get
him a whole bunch of baby clothes
because you know clearly I we were
starting completely fresh because Maya
was already seven when I got pregnant
with Omar so for him I mean I didn't
have any baby clothes left over from
Jeremiah because I had gotten rid of
everything well anyways he so we were in
Kohl's that he never forget it I started
getting sick and I told Holly as I
created we're gonna have to go like I
really really really am sick he's like
okay okay that's you know it's fine oMG
you guys we were I'll never forget at
the lady probably thought I have lost my
mind we were at the check register and
well I like flopped myself on the on the
counter and I was like laying my head
down because I felt like I was gonna
throw up and I asked the lady I'm like
can I please have it back she was like
you know that's fine so I get it back
and I go and sit out on the like on a
bench outside the store well there was a
lady sitting on the bench next to me
that I had sat next to all of a sudden I
started throwing up all inside the back
the lady looked at me and she slowly got
up and walked away I was like I'm sorry
I'm pregnant I'm so sorry and she just
smiled and you know was like it's okay
and walked away but I'm sure she was
probably like completely disgusted by
that point so I I was like mortified
and I didn't go back into Kohl's until
after I had him I've been a few times
but not very much
Coulson stays open later than the mall
but there would really be no reason not
to be able to go to the mall and walk it
like an amazing idea so
maybe I'll talk to Ollie and tell him
that everyday we as you know me and the
two kids or me him and the two kids
we're going to the mall and we're going
to walk and we're going to wear these
two out because see that's the that's
the goal is we will wear their little
legs out so that when it is bedtime all
I have to do is come home give baths and
go tonight
so anyways but that's something yeah you
know I really think that I'm going to
talk to him about that I think that
would be a really good idea and if he's
there that I'm really opted not to go
into Toria torrid because he'll stop me
I'll be like no no no no you stay out
because he's really good about keeping
me on track when it comes to buying
stuff that I don't mean to be so
sometimes I like to leave him behind so
I can buy things without guilt hi honey
I know you're watching that you spend
old oh crap I hope this is not a school
zone right now
[Music]
we're doing
but yeah so
I'm not talking to you guys because then
I brainstorm and then I think about
things and it's like yeah I think we can
do this
so anyways anywho now we're on our way
to go pick up germ I have the school get
him in the car and then go meet Ali at
the yard so that way we can pick him up
go to Safeway go get the salad stuff and
then go home and prepare dinner and I'm
gonna jump in a shower but it's been a
good productive day I mean I did really
have a bad headache this morning but you
guys I think Chris chef wanna be
pointed something out to me today we
were talking her name is Chris so I say
Chris but you guys know her chef want to
be so she pointed out to me she says
well Amy you haven't had caffeine in a
couple of days and your body is so
sensitive to that stuff because you're
not used to it so your body is just an
automatic your body is an automatic
thing like it automatically gets it's
gonna get hooked to it I was like yeah I
guess and anyways so I think I figured
out the problem I think what it could be
because I Dutch brothers and getting
this and I've drink that much of it I
got a large cuz I was just like no I
need your huh I need to get rid of this
headache so
um anyways so I got that and you guys my
headache is gone now I did take
ibuprofen about 15 minutes 20 minutes
maybe before I start drinking the coffee
but the thing is that I had drank the
coffee are not I didn't drink coffee I
drink the I took the ibuprofen earlier
this morning to and nothing happened so
now I drank the coffee and I did take
another IV proform and oh it's so funny
there's another flex for flex and I bet
you they're gonna think it's me can't
reach what baby okay hold on just a
minute okay we're picking up German he
can help grab it okay anyways so I'm
thinking maybe I'm getting a headache
from the caffeine not having that
caffeine so I don't know what to do
because I don't want to get on a point
where I have to have the caffeine
because that's not how I've ever ran my
body like I've never gotten attached to
something where my body has to have it
in order to like function or whatever it
might be so
I don't know what I'm gonna do I told
Holly that I was thinking I might just
go ahead and go through the withdrawal
Kathy what honey what huh
and
okay hold on okay um anyways so okay um
so I'm wondering if I might have to go
through like the withdrawal headaches to
get it back out of my system again uh no
okay Omar do I need to get the spoon
okay then you need to stop I carry this
with me everywhere oh don't do I ever
use it go do our threaten it yeah all
they have to do is see me put my hand up
there and they're like come on now
anyways so the
[Music]
oh so I'm just thinking that I might
have to lower my like get my body back
out of this whole connection with the
with caffeine because I guess all my
body to be running on caffeine like I
don't want to have my body think that
the only way I can function is oh you
have to have caffeine and if you don't
have it then you're not gonna function
or you're gonna have a really bad
headache and it's not the way I like to
live life so I don't know you don't know
but we'll see we shall see
you got yourself some homework
why do I do this to myself oh my reach
back can grab his water really quick
please
okay okay his leg goes in his water
before we leave
hold on hold on you guys
[Music]
okay now we picked up the the Maya bear
and now we are gonna go grab the mill
and then we will call e because I'm sure
he's gonna probably get caught behind
that accident
so a jurist bill when we were driving
back to come and get you because I
dropped him off in Dallas there was a
car accident and the car was all on fire
I have it on video too cuz I was
vlogging logs like perfect timing
remember the car that was on fire
anyways so we're just gonna go get the
mail anyways okay you guys I will check
in with you and we will not bore you
anymore with my lovely chitchat chitchat
and talking and I will check in with you
guys in just a little bit well you guys
klutzes on because I have to see and I
am doing my nails again because I'm not
come doing them but I really do I really
love love love love love doing my nails
it is just it's a thing for me so I am
gonna do them while I'm talking to you
guys but um what a day today it was a
fantastic day I will say that and I'm
gonna be looking back and forth but
because I'm sizing up my nails I really
don't want to mess about anyways it was
a really good day today I did start out
without really bad headache but it's
it's gone like I do not have a headache
whatsoever now it's totally gone so I
don't know what had happened we were
driving today and as most of you know
that have watched most of my videos
I've shared in the past about having a
sibling a brother and I haven't seen him
since Omar was a year old
that was loss of my seeing him and you
know my brother suffers with addiction
he has for many years I think for a
while people didn't believe it I think I
I didn't even know it I wasn't aware you
know I took care of my brother I mean
he's three years older than I am but
he's lived with me multiple times in his
adult life taking him in and helped him
when you know he was struggling or
didn't have a place to live and stuff
like that and during this time this is
when I will say that I was oblivious to
him being on having an addiction problem
and so today I you know I
we were we were driving because we had
things we you know we're doing and I I
always you know I always look downtown
where we live because that's where most
of the homeless are what I mean they're
not just all right in there but there's
a lot of homeless downtown because
that's where the major mission is for
homeless so I am always looking and and
I know that that's just a natural
reaction I think you know yes my brother
suffers with addiction and I'm very
disappointed with his choices
because I am sorry and I'm this may
offend some people but addiction okay
how can I say this to where it's not
offensive because I gotta say it the
right way
addiction is not a choice but at the
same time addiction is a choice if that
is anywhere where that could make sense
to anybody understanding okay
I have addiction with food I have
suffered with addiction with food for
obviously years I've chosen to get help
for it and I am getting help for it
Oh sticking myself but it's definitely
something I struggle with um tailee I
have three nephews from my brother and
they're all two of them are adults and
one is almost an adult and I haven't
been in their life for many years due to
my brother's choices because you know
fairly his wife did not allow pretty
much she did not go out of her way to
have a relationship with me to have a
relationship with the boys because of my
brother's choices and she did not want
to put her kids in that position fully
understand it now that I'm a mother I
understand that she had all rights you
know my brother really hurt her and hurt
the boys by his choices of actions which
I would imagine he would have made
different choices beings the way that we
were raised with parents that were of
addiction and incarcerated and things
like that I really thought that he would
want different for his kids not saying
he didn't
but unfortunately you know his boys were
raised with an absent father again I'm
gonna take it as it is it's a choice to
a point so I I do carry I do carry
frustration with that because in my
heart I believe you know it's a choice
to a point he he could control it he
could if he wanted to make a different
choice you know he claims that he had a
really rough life and childhood and
stuff and it's like you're right you
know you you had your adult a pretty
rough hand of cards you were but so was
I
you know and in fact to be all fair I
was dealt even worse of a card hand of
cards and because he was only in care
from the age of 10 to let's see from the
age of 10 to 17
he wasn't care I was in care from 7 to
23 to be fair and
in my time I seen a lot of crab too you
know but I chose to make a stand for
myself from the get-go all the way
through to growing up that I would never
participate in you know drugs and
alcohol what is that called like things
of sexual nature I chose not to
participate in that then I chose to
always tell myself if if I was to ever
have children that I would definitely be
a different parent from what we've had
you know what we had what was given to
us because I don't want my children to
grow up with you know an absent father
or an absent mother or you know and I'm
again I'm not knocking people that do
have you know one or the other gone I'm
not saying I just didn't want in abside
I did not want to play the absent mom
card I didn't want to be selfish and
take on addiction in the way that it
would tear up a family because I've seen
enough of it growing up everything from
alcohol to drugs
everything just everything so anyways
with that you know when I drank downtown
I always I always look I always look and
I think that that's just a natural thing
I don't think that that's something
that's not common and
so today I and I again I always look
that's the thing is I always am glancing
like oh my god see him on the street or
you know but also I know that if I seen
him I'd probably lose it because he's my
brother
and it would kill me to see him in
probably the state that he's in so we're
driving today and after we got over the
bridge safely away from the whole
situation
my husband says did you see that I was
like see what it's like
did you see it I'm like see what it he's
like okay you didn't I was like what are
you talking about I was totally confused
like I was completely baffled because
I'm like what are you what are you
talking about and he says oh well Shawn
was there and I'm like what and I was
just like darn II you know I had I
missed it because clearly I always am
looking how did I miss it today did I
really feel that it was meant for me to
miss it because I think if I would have
seen him I think it probably would have
really I think it would have upset me
emotionally so I think that I was
protected by not seeing it um but you
know all I was like I said well what did
he look like you know and I was asking
all these questions and stuff and so
he's kind of going down the list of
things and you know I'm not gonna get
into complete detail but you know Lee
was just like I'm you know he said
honestly he said I think it's so sad and
I said well I said here's the thing I
said I don't think it's sad what
no um I was like you know I don't think
that it's sad I think that or no first
he said I feel really bad you know and I
said you know I really don't I really
don't feel bad I said you know this is a
choice that he made and he has to live
with that you know
am I being cold I'm not trying to be but
at the same time I've dealt with so much
with addiction that I have such a cold
heart towards it that I just was like
you know I I don't feel bad for him
because he chose this life and he did he
could have changed things around you
know my brother is a very smart cookie
he he's had job opportunities that
people would die to have he worked on
the railroads at one time he was a truck
driver he I mean he's had some really
really good jobs but he's also flaked
off most of those jobs unfortunately
because of addiction and so I said well
you know I don't feel bad for him I said
I feel sorry for the situation because
he is such a good person and he could
make such a good person out of himself
but he's chosen this lifestyle but it
was so sad because it was like you know
and I told all the I said I love him and
I will love him forever he's my brother
and all he's like well yeah of course
and I was like but I also have to
understand that I have to love from a
distance because in a situation like
this this is just not okay there's a lot
to it you know and it all he fully
understood what I see you know was same
he's like yeah he's like you know I
completely understand it babies like you
know you're not wrong at all for filling
and saying the things that you've said
he's like you know I don't feel that
you're being wrong about it he's like
unfortunately he's like you know when
when will he wake up we don't know you
know sometimes I sadly say to myself you
know when's the day gonna come that we
get that call that we don't want to get
because that is so sad
you know but when he plays the victim
card of well I've seen so much growing
up well so did I you know so did I you
know I took I had just the same type of
life many people have had this worst
than you have had and they've come out
of it and some there is truly no excuse
for the behaviors of addiction other
than that is the way that you've chosen
to take on your coping that's not
everybody everybody that suffers doesn't
take on that as being their coping and I
just wanted to make that clear that you
know not everybody that suffers or that
has been hurt you know has taken on
alcohol and and drugs as being their
coping you know but it to something have
because that's what they've known that's
what they were taught and that's
unfortunate because there's so much more
to life than that but to some people
that's
that's just what they have that's what
they know and is so sad that that's
truly how some people feel that they can
cope is through that mechanism of drugs
and alcohol or you know whatever else
and playing the card victim victim card
because that's what they've been taught
so yeah it was pretty sad to say the
least for me it was because I would have
loved to seen him just to know that I
seen him because it's been you know well
I mean Omar's gonna be four years old in
February so it's gonna it's coming up
three years so I've even seen him one
time I mean I haven't seen nothing of
him but I you know at the same time it's
like well you know this is this is what
we have this is you know this is what we
get to deal with with a family member
that you know suffers addiction which
you know come my family we too many of
our family members suffer addiction um
I choose not to play into it I choose
not to entertain it I that's why you
know he isn't around because I cannot
allow that behavior around my children
because I would never want them to look
up to my brother and be like oh well you
know uncle so-and-so does it and mommy
lets him in the house so you know and
we've had multiple things stolen and you
know in the past you know and so you
know I just would never allow that type
of stuff around my kids but with that
said doesn't mean that my love changes
for him because it doesn't I still love
him with all my heart you know I think
that you know yes we lost our father at
an early age for all of us
again that's an unfortunate that is an
unfortunate event but we can't sit there
and be like poor me poor me you know my
father passed away 37 years ago it's
time to move on it's time to move on you
know we're not gonna be able to bring my
father back we're not gonna be able to
make things different so the best that
we can do is move on with life know that
this is something that we've got to get
over and move on but unfortunately there
are some people in my family that have
never been able to get over my father's
death and my brother is one of them and
then but he also you know he he plays a
lot of the you owe me blamed game you
know well I had a really rough life so
you owe me I you know I was handed the
wrong the wrong hand of cards so you owe
me and that's just not how life works
you know and I've tried to explain that
to him before like you know you have to
understand that you have to take
responsibility for your own actions and
move on from there like there's so much
in life that you can do so don't sell
yourself short by saying that you don't
sell yourself short by saying that this
is all that you have to offer yourself
because you are so highly capable so
much more but it's what you are willing
to give yourself that's where it comes
down to the difference and if you're not
willing to give yourself lead way of
forgiveness of yourself and you know
what so far what you've done to what you
need to do for yourself then you know
sure you're never gonna get through with
life because you know you're always
gonna feel like people owe you and
nobody owes you but yourself
and I guess that that's where I am so
different from some of the people in my
family is I've never felt the need that
anybody owes me you know i I've never
asked for a handout from anybody
I would never would nobody because
personally I don't feel that I need
anybody to help me because I know that I
am so highly capable of doing things
myself and so for me it's like you know
I I wouldn't dare ask somebody for help
but for him again like I was saying he
has that mentality that every everybody
knows him in some sort of way and that
is just clearly unfortunate because and
nobody in this world is ever going to
pay him what he believes so in return
he's gonna always be searching excuse me
as long as he keeps searching he's never
gonna find happiness he's never gonna
find life
because in general nobody's gonna want
to forfeit that nobody's gonna want to
deal with that you know and so
unfortunately I think he's just gonna
walk lost for a very long time and we're
like I said were three years apart I'm
37 and he turned 40 this year and it's
just I don't know you know I just don't
know but I don't know it was just it was
it was really weird how I missed him
when I'm always looking to see if I can
catch a glimpse and I always always
always do and then one of my husband's
like did you see that I was like see
what he's like yeah I didn't see it I'm
like see what he's like you didn't see
your brother I'm like new
and I told him I said I think that that
was probably supposed to happen that way
I don't think that I was supposed to see
him because had I had I seen him it
probably would have really broke my
heart and who's to say that I wouldn't
have wanted to turn the car around and
go hold him and hug him and make him
feel better
even though I can't I can't make him
feel better nobody can make him feel
better about himself and that's kind of
where I'm at with my with my own
addiction of food it opens up so many
doors of what I literally deal with on a
daily and how it takes me every morning
to wake up and be like okay this is
gonna be another good day we're gonna
get up we're gonna make good choices
we're not going to fall into the
temptations that are all around me you
know I want to live I want to have a
good life I want my kids to have a mom
and all of those things all those things
all those thoughts and it's true you
know this is what I want and it takes me
every day to tell myself this because if
I didn't then I wouldn't get up every
morning and make it through life that's
why so many times I have felt on this
journey of change because you know I had
it in life that you know we're gonna you
know we're gonna get up we're gonna have
a good day we're gonna have a good
choices and then bam bam I get into a
right I suffer
some type of a sad moment of some sort
and I go to my first thing that makes me
feel good and that's my food and so then
in return I would screw up and then I
I'd say okay well I already messed up
for the day I've already made really bad
choices today so because of that I'm not
even going to continue to try I'm just
gonna sit here and I'm gonna eat this
whole pack of doughnuts because they're
here why not and we'll start tomorrow
then tomorrow comes starting a good day
I have this prep talk every single day
every so um not every day sorry every
night I will have this prep talk with
myself you're gonna make a good day
you're gonna make good choices
you're gonna eat healthy you want to
live you want to make a good life you
want to you know you want to have a
fulfilled life with your children and
yada yada yada and the whole the whole
talk the whole talk for the whole day
how my day is gonna go goes down every
night before bed I get up start my day
ma'am thank you ma'am
something happens my day's screwed up
again and this happened for years years
years until one day I just I don't even
know what clicked well I kind of know it
kind of it kind of worked up to when I
had my heart stuff in my heart testing
and it came back that there was Norman
up or or not okay I came to say wrong
something wrong with my heart readings
and that scared me to death because I
sincerely thought I'm going to
prematurely sit here and die in my sleep
leave my children my daughter needs a
mother that's gonna raise her the way I
wanted my mother to raise me and I can't
even visualize my husband being a single
father to our children and here I
selfishly left this world
due to not wanting to just work on
myself and I couldn't I
I just you know that scared me so bad it
scared me I I really was deathly scared
and so many thoughts were going through
my head at that very moment of I'm gonna
leave my husband he's he's gonna have to
raise these children my children are
gonna hate me in a way that I hate my
father and when I say I hate my father
please do not miss mistaken me I love my
father but I hate my father because he
left me when he could have done things
differently life could have been
different
you know life wasn't too bad that you
have to leave your family you know you
left me this child that needed her
father so bad you left me and you
forsaked me and just left me alone how
dare you are the things that I go
through and I believed that my children
were gonna feel the same way about me my
mom could not stop eating my mom didn't
want to you know take care of her health
my mom you know food was more important
to her because you know she couldn't
give it up she she couldn't just stop
for the sake of having a long life with
us children she couldn't stop and then
my children would hate me I couldn't
imagine that so one night I was going to
bed and I was having this stupid prep
talk like I always do every single night
but something felt different this time
and something told me your your you're
gonna do this this time maybe you're
gonna do it and I woke up the following
morning and I told Olli I said okay
honey I said this is it
I'm done playing around I'm done I want
my life I want to be active with my
children and with you I want a long life
with my kids and with you you don't care
about anything or anybody else I want my
life with you and my children and I'm
done being selfish he said okay my
husband was always so so supportive
he knew that most likely I'd probably
fall off the bandwagon like I always do
you know it's a common thing with Amy
but he's you know definitely not gonna
I'm gonna you know so me short be like
okay huh no you're not okay let's do
this do it he imagined it to last you
know a week maybe two at the very most
at the very most but most likely as a
few days maybe even a few hours was
about what mine always lost him but for
some reason I was like new I'm just
gonna lost a couple of hours this is
gonna last a lifetime and like one would
buy two and by week three four or five
and he's like okay she's doing this and
it ain't even me singing and saying
anything cuz my husband ever has
anything he never never never never said
hey you know let's do this or no you
need to do this you know
he left it totally left it my corridors
and so as the weeks were going by I
wasn't giving up he finally came to me
one day and he was like you're serious
this time aren't you and I'm like I told
you I'm serious and he's like I am so
proud of you like you're do
miss Amy and I was like I have to I have
to I'm not gonna die over food like I'm
not gonna die over my stupid addiction
that I can control is it gonna be easy
know where they're gonna be days where I
want to throw my hands up of course who
doesn't but at the same time I have to
under control that I have to control
this because I'm the only one I am the
only one that can stop this addiction
and that's that's the whole thing with
everybody that you know deals with
addiction you're the only one that is
gonna ever be able to stop your
addiction you cannot leave yourself you
cannot leave your addiction for somebody
else to control you can't you'll never
succeed you can never you know I waited
I think for many years for the success
to land on my doorstep because I didn't
foresee that I would ever be able to get
to a point in my life where I can say
you know what my addiction has finally
not controlled my life and I finally get
to have that time to myself yes okay so
anyways I'm gonna shut myself down here
because my dinner is ready and my
husband's like I'm getting angry
but you know yeah you just in any
circumstance that you're dealing with
any type of addiction whether it be
drugs alcohol you know sex food it
doesn't matter what it is you have to be
the one that wants to break that
addiction nobody else can do it for you
and if you're waiting for somebody to do
it for you it's never gonna happen there
will be many people that want to take
that addiction from you and really want
to see you change but that's just all
once it's not gonna happen
and so that's where like I'm at is it
couldn't have been my husband that did
it or my children or my doctor or a
friend it had to be me say okay I'm
hitting rock bottom I want this life to
be different and this is where I'm at
and you know four months down and I am
still strong as the day that I chose to
make this change and I will I can
successfully say I will never
go back to that addiction I have not
drink one soda in over four months
that was my pure addiction if you wanna
know my addiction that was my addiction
and then food and everything else
followed but anyways I'm gonna close
because I want to go eat my crab salad
but I would didn't want to show you my
nails but I did do myself say the nice
anyways so you guys take care I really
hope you guys enjoyed this vlog it kind
of was an all over vlog but I hope you
guys enjoyed it and I will talk to you
guys tomorrow bye Sean in the moanin
until then I will see you then see
dreams
alright go and make my bed I need to
make it but I wanted to show you guys my
results do my nails I want to go a
little bit on the skin but oh and does
it Tim stuck on a meal isn't that cute
anyway so yes I just want to show you
cuz I'm gonna go and make my bed and get
it all prepared for nighttime but yeah I
love how they turned out I goofed a
little bit right there but oh well not
like people are gonna notice that too
much and if they do that means they were
too close to my fingers so anyways
alright but or from making the soup but
anyways what can my husband not make
like seriously what can he not make he
literally just sat here tonight took a
rodent ro rotisserie okay got to make
that right a rotisserie chicken likes
pulled it apart and made homemade
chicken noodle soup well not the noodles
- the noodles cuz he didn't want to put
the noodles in there for me but oh my
gosh I was like are you kidding me like
you're really able to make the soup in
oh my gosh you're doing so good anyways
I thought I would share that with you
guys
